19
Feb
17

Both this and that

One of the many challenges of living an introverted life is reconciling the need to be alone with the desire to not be left alone. I have defined and accepted my introversion but, apparently that is not enough. I shouldn’t be feeling this lonely. But I am. I am led to believe there are other issues at play here. Perhaps others are finding in me character traits which are not appealing – so much so that there is no room for me in their lives. Or, maybe it is my age. I have long believed that the older we become, the more invisible we get. Perhaps my physical appearance is off-putting. I’m grasping at straws now, I know.

I have spent so much energy isolating myself in recent years to find a peaceful place to live my life. Have I, as a by-product, signaled that I don’t want others in my life, in any degree, in any capacity? I cannot change my wiring at will. I cannot become the life of the party, the social magnate, the high energy extrovert I see in others. It’s not who I am nor is it someone I want to be. My introversion is exacerbated by a crippling shyness which requires so much energy to overcome. What do I do?

I am tired. My saner self tells me to accept the reality as it presents itself and live my remaining years on the planet grateful for the good in my life. Apparently I just do not have the wherewithal or fortitude to effect any change. It could be that I am just one of those rare individuals who are destined to persevere outside of special relationships. Maybe this is just a tempest in a teapot. Maybe I need to just stay in my shell.

 

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