Mother’s Day is always hard – and Christmas and her birthday and any other day we shared in a special way. She was my age now when she died. At the time, 58 seemed old enough, but not old enough to die. She left so many questions unanswered and sentiments unexpressed. The last time we spoke, we argued. I was being the opinionated (slightly spoiled) college graduate and she the world-wise matriarch of our fractured, typically dysfunctional, clan. In those days, I was always right, even when I was wrong. She always humored me: she never assumed the I-told-you-so attitude when was rightfully hers when I would eventually come to my senses and realize that a diploma did not make me smarter than she. This time, again, she was right, of course, but before enough time passed to allow the heat of the argument to cool, she was gone.

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries come and go and I celebrate with the misgiving that she died with my disrespect still in her heart. That will never change. The pain has eased to ache, but regret remains. I know I have her forgiveness. I still cannot forgive myself. That will come in time.

Happy Mother’s Day to mothers young and old.


2 Responses to “Remembering”

  1. May 12, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    This was a beautiful sharing. Thank You Peter.
    My mom and I had a really great relationship- she was like your mom when it came to never saying “I told you so” and she liked nearly everyone she ever met- RARELY having a bad word about anyone. ( Me? I live more by the saying “The more I know humans the more I like my pets.”…..)
    She crossed over in 1996 and besides regretting being inept and unable to keep her alive, I have times of reflection and find myself unable to forgive myself for stupid childish behaviour. My biggest ones is when I had come back from a high school Spanish Class trip to Spain ( for which she sold a family heirloom to partially fund- against my will, for the record)- my first long trip away from home. When I got home I had a sunburn and when she hugged me, so happy to have me home- I reacted poorly and I know now I really behaved like a total jerk. I didn’t really mean to- it just smarted at the time. But OH! how I would just love to have her here now to have hugs and someone to talk with like we could so easily. I have ‘apologized’ so many times to her in my ‘air talks’ with her- but I simply cannot forgive myself. I am sure she has/had- but I cannot. Not for this nor for a few other events in our lives.
    I wanted to share this to let you know you are not alone with regrets of things done when being a young person and now as an adult wish we could make amends and truly say “I’m sorry” to such wonderful people- our moms.

    Thank you again for writing your post. It was brave and I am glad I found your blog again to read it. Timing.

    PS) Congratulations on finishing your men’s sweater. I purchased your plus-sized hoodie pattern for women but regretfully have not had funds to purchase the yarn in the qty. I need. I hope my hubby likes this pattern then I can make one for him! ( He is a size med./large- no need for plus sizes for him.)

  2. 2 Terry
    May 23, 2008 at 9:02 am

    I was looking for a scarf pattern when I came across your website. I can’t tell you how much the post about your Mom affects me. I haven’t always had the greatest relationship with my Mom, and now that I’m older, I know that alot of that was my fault. I was so invested in always being right, that it didn’t dawn on me that I was wasting so much time arguing with her. My Mom’s still alive, she’s 75 and in very poor health. I had spent so many years resenting her and blaming her for my problems, that I became very resentful when it became clear that my brothers weren’t going to help her with her health issues. They were more than happy to yell at her about how she didn’t take care of herself, but not lift a finger to help her. Maybe seeing the way they were behaving suddenly made me look at myself. And trust me, when I tell you, it’s so hard when you take a long look in the mirror and see how shittily you behaved. My Mom is an immigrant, and doesn’t have much education. She did the best she could with us. She gave us opportunities she never had. She took care of us, and I feel that in return, I spent so many years of my life being angry at her and arguing with her. My Mom’s still alive and I feel this incredible guilt, so I know what you’re feeling. The only thing I can tell you is that I know your Mom forgave you for whatever you feel guilty about. Mothers are like that. I’m glad I had the opportunity to turn my behavior around and to really be there for my Mom, the way she was and still is for me. I apologized for all the arguing and nitpicking, and what does she say? The world is harder for you guys than it was for me, I know I can annoy you at times, and I’m sorry.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that your post made me both happy and sad. I’m so glad I still have my Mom, but yet so sad that I waited til she was old and sick and housebound to really understand her.
    Even if you and your Mom had an argument, I know she forgave you. Mothers are like that. I know she’s still watching over you and I know she’s proud of you.
    Take care

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